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youHEREandMEwithoutMY

Worth Living Away - Poem of the Month - February

The sunshine stings upon my eyes today
I sit here in the darkness wish my life away
Never should have left dunno what you would say
The things worth living for seem so far away
Forever since I’ve seen your face that fateful day

Maybe I’ll just reach in and rip my heart out
Wouldn’t do any good folks would dance about
Wond’ring why I’d done
It only just begun
I don’t know what made me do it
Maybe you beat me to it

The sunlight stings upon my heart today
It soaks up all the darkness, now my life is safe
See you in my mind I know what I would say
Things worth living for are here to stay
Forever since I’ve seen your face just yesterday
poggles

I like it overall.

The rhyme scheme changes alot, which is a bit disconcerting on first read but it works because the emotion expressed is sort of disjointed which matches the changes of rhyme scheme

I also don't like how you rhyme "it" with "it" and the end of the middle stanza, but that's probably just me.

I like that it ends on a positive note, and that the first and last stanza are fairly similar in lines and in the words at the end of the lines.

I also like how the lines in the middle stanza are shorter, it matches the sharper emotion in the words.
OEHFICE

Well, the "it" rhyming does throw it off a bit, but not really by much.  I've been guilty of doing that too, which I believe you pointed out too once.  

Overall, I think it's rather good.

Quote:
The sunlight stings upon my heart today
It soaks up all the darkness, now my life is safe

These two lines are perfect.  I just really liked how you described the sun taking away all the darkness.  Loved it!
OEHFICE

CONGRATULATIONS!

This poem has been chose as the best of February! Woot, Woot!
poggles

Congratulations Aaron!
Blind Crow

Congratulations Aaron! You deserved this one.
Band Geek

Congrats dude!

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