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youHEREandMEwithoutMY
Best Selling Author
Joined: 23 Jul 2007
Posts: 349
Location: Somewhere in this crazy world of ours |
 Posted: Sun Feb 15, 2009 4:02 pm |
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The sunshine stings upon my eyes today
I sit here in the darkness wish my life away
Never should have left dunno what you would say
The things worth living for seem so far away
Forever since I’ve seen your face that fateful day
Maybe I’ll just reach in and rip my heart out
Wouldn’t do any good folks would dance about
Wond’ring why I’d done
It only just begun
I don’t know what made me do it
Maybe you beat me to it
The sunlight stings upon my heart today
It soaks up all the darkness, now my life is safe
See you in my mind I know what I would say
Things worth living for are here to stay
Forever since I’ve seen your face just yesterday
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“I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.” -- Robert McCloskey |
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poggles
The Sparkle Princess
Joined: 03 Oct 2006
Posts: 1361
Location: Australia |
| Posted: Tue Feb 17, 2009 8:32 pm |
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I like it overall.
The rhyme scheme changes alot, which is a bit disconcerting on first read but it works because the emotion expressed is sort of disjointed which matches the changes of rhyme scheme 
I also don't like how you rhyme "it" with "it" and the end of the middle stanza, but that's probably just me.
I like that it ends on a positive note, and that the first and last stanza are fairly similar in lines and in the words at the end of the lines.
I also like how the lines in the middle stanza are shorter, it matches the sharper emotion in the words.
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"It's waiting for me... Here I am!"
I bet you can't beat my brute  |
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OEHFICE
Editor-in-Chief
Joined: 09 Sep 2006
Posts: 1169
Location: Soccerland |
| Posted: Wed Feb 18, 2009 11:12 pm |
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Well, the "it" rhyming does throw it off a bit, but not really by much. I've been guilty of doing that too, which I believe you pointed out too once.
Overall, I think it's rather good.
| Quote: | The sunlight stings upon my heart today
It soaks up all the darkness, now my life is safe |
These two lines are perfect. I just really liked how you described the sun taking away all the darkness. Loved it!
_________________
"Whoever pursues righteousness and love finds life, prosperity and honor." - Proverbs 21:21 |
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OEHFICE
Editor-in-Chief
Joined: 09 Sep 2006
Posts: 1169
Location: Soccerland |
| Posted: Thu Mar 12, 2009 1:08 pm |
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CONGRATULATIONS!
This poem has been chose as the best of February! Woot, Woot!
_________________
"Whoever pursues righteousness and love finds life, prosperity and honor." - Proverbs 21:21 |
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poggles
The Sparkle Princess
Joined: 03 Oct 2006
Posts: 1361
Location: Australia |
| Posted: Thu Mar 12, 2009 5:26 pm |
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Congratulations Aaron! 
_________________
"It's waiting for me... Here I am!"
I bet you can't beat my brute |
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Blind Crow
Co-Editor-in-Chief
Joined: 10 Sep 2006
Posts: 794
Location: WV |
| Posted: Mon Mar 16, 2009 12:19 pm |
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Congratulations Aaron! You deserved this one.
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I'll walk hand and hand with my faith, step for step with my beliefs, and never fear the path unknown. |
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Band Geek
Co-Editor-in-Chief
Joined: 04 Jan 2007
Posts: 756
Location: The Music Room |
| Posted: Mon Mar 16, 2009 8:26 pm |
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Congrats dude!
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"I like baseball, movies, good clothes, fast cars and you. What else do ya need to know?" -John Dillinger |
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